Sunday, November 15, 2009

Setbacks and stress.

"Is there life before death?"
~~ Graffito, in Belfast

Now that I'm working two jobs, I've been thinking there's not.

I'm lucky enough to work at two places I very much enjoy - even when the one gets highly stressful and hectic - and I'm really enjoying the extra income.
I've become so miserly, which is something I should have done years ago, but better late than never.

As much as I like that cash and having something that fills my time up, it is pretty exhausting some days, so needless to say, I've been a little on edge lately and feeling pretty stressed.

This week, I had some external stress come at me too.

Mommalah told me some disturbing news last week that's really sent us reeling. I've found myself praying a lot more than usual - and feeling angry, and about thisclose to a panic attack or something. It's scary, and I'm scared to death.

In much, much less important stress, a simple flat tire earlier this week resulted in the needing of a new rim - a new $180 rim ... and then I discovered a bubble on another tire so there's that. Bye, bye last few second job checks.

If things happen in threes as the old adage says, I hope the tire situations count.

The whole week has had me mindlessly emotionally eating. Like, for example, an entire pounder bag of tortilla chips that I ate as nachos in two day's time. I knew I shouldn't have when I bought the damn chips, but short of screaming from the rooftop, I chose to go this route.
{Never mind the container of gorgonzola cheese that somehow disappeared almost as swiftly. I must have a mouse in the house or something.}

I don't know why I do it, why I don't take my deep breaths, or why I don't, oh, EXERCISE to do away with the stress and the worry and the scared feelings like I know I should do.

It just seems easier to eat my worry away, which we know doesn't ever work.
Maybe it's because eating has always been such a big part of my Italian family and I take comfort in it, even though it makes me feel awful.

I consider myself a strong person - my mother's daughter - but the emotional eating and setbacks and getting derailed at even the most minuscule sign of trouble is not the sign of a strong person.

I need to get my strength back. In more ways than one.

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